Captain Laserbeam: The Ironic Icon
by JordanaSBrandt
Summary: Captain Laserbeam (from "The Thrilling Adventure Hour") faces his most dangerous and ironic foes ever: the Hipster Bandits. Unfortunately, he hasn't heard of them.


"CAPTAIN LASERBEAM: THE IRONIC ICON"

SUPER HAL

Look! Above the horizon! Is that a lightning bolt?

ADVENTUREKATEERS

NO!

SUPER HAL

Is that some sort of shooting star or comet?

ADVENTUREKATEERS

NO!

SUPER HAL

It's Captain Laserbeam!

ADVENTUREKEATEERS

NO! Wait, YES!

Music: Captain Laserbeam Theme Song.

SUPER HAL

We join our hero at the Museum of Conformist and Conventional Art.

MAYOR

And now, our main speaker for this event: Captain Laserbeam.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. And thank you, esteemed members of Apex City's long-standing tradition of patronage of the traditional arts.

It's important that the younger generations of Apex City are taught the true and strict definition of what art really is. Which is paintings painted a really long time ago by painters who died a really long time ago of people who also died a really long time ago or about subjects that were only important a really long time ago.

Sound effect: Adventurekateer Distress Call.

CAPTAIN

The Adventurekateer Distress Call, broadcasting on a frequency only I can hear! Thanks Laser-hearing. Sorry patrons of the traditional arts, but if the Adventurekateers, who are a representative sample of Apex City's younger generation, are calling, that means serious trouble in Apex City. So long and away!

MAYOR

This is exactly what happened last year. The Adventurekateers called and he went off, with the exact same farewell. And the same thing the year before, and the year before that, and the year...

SUPER HAL

Captain Laserbeam flies faster than 1000 hummingbirds to the Adventurekateer Clubhouse!

CAPTAIN

No malice can evade their sight, no crime escapes their ears. They hear, they see, they report to me! Captain Laserbeam's Adventurekateers!

PATRICK/BETHANY

Captain Laserbeam!

CAPTAIN

What evil lurks my young chums? Has the Smiling Simile made Apex City like a beacon of happiness? Forcing normally calm citizens to smile as if they were crazed lunatics?

PATRICK

Worse!

CAPTAIN

Tell me Fruit Suit Riot hasn't poisoned the Apex City water supply with Vitamin C, causing anyone who drinks it to a-pear-antly plum forget about the apples of their eyes and to act like coconuts when life throws them lemons.

BETHANY

Worse!

CAPTAIN

What could be worse, Bethany?

BETHANY

The Hipster Bandits have returned to Apex City!

CAPTAIN

The Hipster Bandits, my...wait... I haven't heard of them. Are they even on my most dangerous foes list?

BETHANY

I hadn't heard of them either, but Patrick knows about them.

PATRICK

Yeah, I keep track of all their crimes. They're really big in the Aquapolis underground, but they're not as well known around here. My cousin lives there. That's how I found out about them.

The Hipster Bandits broke into his house, but they didn't steal anything. The Hipster Bandits realized that my cousin's family is really poor and therefore don't have many possessions, so they left some CD's of indie bands and installed a really nice sound system and they even put some Pabst Blue Ribbon in the fridge.

CAPTAIN

(beat)

Okay.

BETHANY

Anyway, the Hipster Bandits broke into the Museum of Forgotten Arts.

CAPTAIN

Leaping laserbea...wait, where is that? Is that even in Apex City because I haven't heard...

BETHANY

But don't worry, the Hipster Bandits didn't take any of the art. Instead, they stole the surveillance cameras, and the motion detectors, and they kidnapped one of the security guards.

CAPTAIN

Why would they do that?

PATRICK

Based on their mission statement, which is posted on their MySpace page, they're probably trying to be ironic. You know, what could be more ironic than theives who steal anti-theft systems?

CAPTAIN

Okay. Flying at the speed of light, no villain shall escape my might. So long, and away.

(music starts but then stops abruptly)

Wait, no I'm back, sorry. Where is their secret lair?

PATRICK

Their secret lair is located in an abandoned subway station (and this info is again from their MySpace page, fyi) underneath the intersection of Main Street and Laser Lane.

BETHANY

But that's right underneath the police station. Why would they have it...oh, I get it: ironic.

CAPTAIN

Okay, again, so long and away.

Transition music for real this time.

SUPER HAL

Soon, at the Hipster Bandits lair: the Subpar Subway.

CAPTAIN

All right, bandits! It's time to put an end to your lives of anti-theft crimes!

POSH HIPSTER

Captain Laserbeam! You will never defeat us, for we are the Hipster Bandits! Posh Hipster!

BABY HIPSTER

Baby Hipster!

TYLER

(not as enthusiastic) And Tyler Hipster.

POSH

You've probably never heard of us.

CAPTAIN

Actually, I have heard of you.

BABY

(devastated) What? But how?

CAPTAIN

Well, I hadn't heard of you, until my Adventurekateer told me about...

BABY HIPSTER

Oh, that does make sense.

CAPTAIN

Anyway, I need to arrest all of you for the theft of anti-theft equipment.

POSH

Never! Tyler Hipster, please show Captain Laserbeam a new way of fighting.

TYLER

Okay, but I still don't see why I can't just fight the way I've always fought.

POSH

Because, it's important to not fall prey to the repetitive traditions of everyday life. We need to always rebel, always question, always resist the urge to follow the masses.

TYLER

Okay, I will do what you say.

POSH

Exactly Tyler! Rebel by obeying me!

Sound effect: Punching, kicking and crashing.

CAPTAIN

Wait, what's going on? He's just hitting himself and crashing into walls.

BABY

Don't you see Captain Laserbeam? The pain he causes for you isn't physical, but rather emotional. Your sympathy for Tyler causes you to feel sadness and regret over the pain you are indirectly causing to another human being.

TYLER

I think maybe there was a reason everyone else was fighting the normal way!

POSH

No matter, for Tyler's inverse fighting has bought us time to activate our sinister death trap! The Dramatic Iron!

Sound effect: Sinister death trap.

CAPTAIN

Ahh...Dramatic Iron...too powerfu...wait, why don't I feel anything?

TYLER

Ahhh, this pain is even worse than the pain from hitting myself in the stomach and smashing my own head into that wall over there.

BABY

Don't worry, Tyler Hipster, for we are all experiencing this pain together!

CAPTAIN

But why would you have a death trap that only hurts yourselves? Oh, I get it, ironic.

PATRICK

My cousin lives there, lives there, lives there...

CAPTAIN

Oh, no, I actually don't need any...

BETHANY

I hadn't heard of them, heard of them, heard of them...

CAPTAIN

Memory of Adventurekateers, just what I have absolutely no need of right...

PATRICK

Ironic, ironic, ironic...

CAPTAIN

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Freeze laser!

POSH, BABY

The freeze laser has also disabled the death trap! Impossible!

CAPTAIN

Nothing's impossible to Captain Laserbeam, except giving up!

POSH

Captain Laserbeam, have you ever noticed that you repeat yourself a lot? Maybe you should consider rebelling against your reputation.

BABY

Yeah, stand up to what society expects of you! Try something new!

TYLER

The freeze laser hasn't frozen the pain from my earlier injuries. Just sayin'.

CAPTAIN

Captain Laserbeam to Apex City PD. It's time for the Hipster Bandits to...

POLICE CHIEF

I'm here.

CAPTAIN

How did you get here so fast?

POLICE CHIEF

Well, our headquarters is only 20 feet up. As soon as the death trap was activated, we realized what was going on.

SUPER HAL

And that's another vile villain thwarted by the light amplified adventures of Captain Laserbeam!

BABY

(overlapping with Super Hal while being slowly dragged off-stage, but still pleading and yelling)

Even the narrator is repeating himself! We all repeat ourselves like a recurring segment, like we are reading from a script. Like we are reading from a script written by a fan who is copying someone else's original characters.

POSH

(everything else has been so slapstick and funny, but now things have gotten serious)

Don't you understand, it's all for you! The villains you face, the city you live in, the people you fight, the people you protect. Like a SuperHuman Truman Show, it's all for you.

BABY

If you weren't here, it would all vanish. What would happen to Apex City without you? What would happen to the Adventurekateers without you?

CAPTAIN

That's something you'll never find out, not as long as...(but he's interrupted)

POSH

Okay, repetition, right there. (to audience) Is no one else noticing the repetition?

BABY

We need to revolt, or else we are doomed to a never ending cycle of duplication. Eventually we will be a mere shadow of a reflection, yearning for the life of a new reality...

POSH

(the microphone slowly picks up less and less of their voices) Captain Laserbeam, it's not too late for you! You can still break the cycle! You can still have a real life! Don't follow the rules! Rebel!

POSH/BABY

(totally serious, totally desperate) Rebel! Rebel! Reeebeeeelllll...

CAPTAIN

Tell it to...

(looks around confused, he doesn't know who he is anymore)

...jail? But it's...

(looks at the audience, then looks at his script like it's a foreign object in his hand)

...wh...

(backs away from the microphone and walks off the stage)


End file.
